Of fat and simply herding

It was simply mind boggling to see the herd relentlessly stomp their way through a narrow passage and obliterate everything and anything in their way into tiny particles of dust. Nothing can stop them from reaching the water hold. And I mean nothing.

You would probably think that I’m talking about a herd of elephants on National Geographic; well you’re wrong actually. I’m simply metaphorically describing a large group of plus sizes making their way to what may be described as a relatively small counter to sign up for the inaugural Quarter Pounder Challenge, an event touted to be organized annually by the company which is essentially a spin-off of that inspirational reality TV show for plus sizes, “Biggest Looser”.

  

You would think that these plus sizes would shy their way into getting an entry form and doing the necessary health checks but no, instead they all packed up tight, herding in a few lines to the extend that you would be forgiven to think that the building’s lobby has transformed into a stomping ground for migrating elephants, overnight! Seriously, it’s very rare that you see so many big people rambling about in a relatively small space.

Whilst observing this perplexing spectacle of nature, I could not help but notice how the female species dominates the herd leaving the very few males gasping for air in between. Could I than safely draw the conclusion that there are more plus size women than there are plus size men in the company? Au contraire, the number of plus size men and women as far I can tell is equal. Why is it than there are more women queuing up than there are men? The truth is, men are simply not bothered about their size nor their health for that matter. It is for this very reason you would see bald headed men with bellies the size of an Airbus A380 smoking their Dunhills on the sky garden whilst arguing on who would win PR13. This to me is simply natural. They are just being men!

Generally, it is normal for a married man two swell and fat up after marriage. And this is acceptable. Men generally do not have problems with being fat except those few men who feel insecure and apparently have trust issues with their spouses. This would most likely be the case for a man who started out slim after graduation but quadrupled in size six months after marriage. This category of men I would lovingly refer to as “the misrepresentators”. Fearing that his wife would have felt cheated and deceived as well as thinking that his wife will trade him for the likes of Awal, he would desperately attempt to shave a size or two. But to this man I would say, “damn you’re shallow!” Dear gents, your loved (by your wife) not because of your flat abs but its because of your heart, your personality, your faithfulness, your dignity and just maybe because of  the sizeable package you have in your pants. If the latter being package-ing is your wife’s issue, slimming down will do nothing for you!

Now there maybe another type of men amongst the herd, the slightly fat singles who attributes and blames his “single-ness” to his fat issues. Guys, there’s nothing unattractive about being chubby and cuddly. Ladies dig chubby men for the same reasons they do Pooh! You won’t see women sleeping while hugging ken the doll because there’s literally nothing much to hug but you do see them with Poohs. So, your problem is not that your fat but it’s most probably your less than appealing face that’s littered with holds the size of Langkawi and pimples liken to Gunung Merapi which is about to spit lava. In which case slimming down will not help… at all!

Dearest ladies whose idea of macho is Anuar Zain, please give this fat single man a chance. With them you would at the very least know what you’re getting and you stand almost no chance of ending up with the misrepresentator. Lets face it, single fat men are physically honest. Even if they do size up you’d be hard pressed to tell that they did.

So there you have it! The males amidst the herd of females are either fat, married and shallow or fat, single and ugly.

How about the women than? With them is not all that complicated. They are not there because they necessarily need to be there (at least half of them anyway), but they are there because they enjoy herding. Women enjoy eating in a herd, enjoy shop in a herd, they would even herd just for the sake of herding; they’ll herd up whenever they can and queuing to join a weight management program is as good any excuse; it’s inherent and genetic- And the building lobby with the endless exhibition and promotions is certainly the best venue for the women to herd.

One thing is certain though, the Quarter Pounder challenge will definitely be a success and I will be seeing more slim, hour glass shape figures walking around the lobby. The organizers being pleased with themselves will most certainly hold the same program again next year. The only difference is that they’ll have more participants next year; half of which are new to the company and the half would be last year’s participants who had successful loss a few pounds during the program but had since reacquired a few hundreds three months after it ended; serving as a testament to the fact that weight management programs simply don’t work.